The 1st episode of Rollergirls did not disappoint. The viewers get an introduction to the sport of banked-track Roller Derby through the eyes of an up-and-coming rookie. Like all competitive sports, there are hot newcomers & 1st draft picks. And Venis Envy is clearly one of these. Even before her first match, people are already talking "Rookie of the Year" for Venis. But can she live up to her own hype? Especially against her idol, & one of the toughest women on the track, Lux?
Meet Venis Envy. She's an art grad who's been traveling from place to place with her boyfriend Palmer in an ancient RV they bought off Ebay. When they finally settled in Austin, Venis discovered the world of Rollergirls.
The feeling you get right off the bat is Venis is good. The expectations from her team & captain are pretty high. And at some point, Chola (I believe) mentions Venis went to the Putas Del Fuego (that's Whores of Fire to you gueros out there) in a 1st round draft pick. And as Venis' 1st bout grows closer, you can tell the pressure starts to get to her.
But thank goodness for Palmer, or Mr. Venis Envy. He seems very supportive as well as a really calm & laid back kind of fellow. Actually, I found myself staring at Palmer most of the time, trying to figure out who he reminded me of. I could tell you, but the visual is so much more entertaining.
Gotta love Palmer!
On the other side of the Venis fence, there is Lux. A seasoned pro, she is a mild mannered nurse by day and dart blowing champion by night. I'll tell you one thing. Lux & Witch Baby have some fucking TRUST going on, because I don't know if I would hold a piece of paper up on a wall while someone blew a freaking dart at the paper I was holding. But such are the girls of Rhinestone Cowgirls. They're tight like that. And when they aren't blowing darts, making sassy skirts, or doing each other's hair, well they are TP-ing people's houses of course.
But I have to say that one of my favorite parts is when Lux & Witch Baby go dancing at The Broken Spoke. For those of you who don't know, The Broken Spoke is like a big deal here in Austin. It is like THE original honky tonks here in Texas & one of the few that's been able to stay open for decades. It's been around for something like 40 years & everybody who's anybody has played there. Their memorabilia wall rivals that of anything in Nashville or Memphis. You get the idea.
So I was literally holding my sides, rolling on the floor, as Witch Baby turned, swished, & flared that skirt around as she danced around in literally nothing but her underwear. Not even underwear....thong panties. And all these little old ladies whispered & pointed at her, turning their heads & shielding their eyes as Witch Baby's bottom came into full view. Truly SCANDALOUS! Those old ladies are probably STILL talking about it. Meanwhile, the old men, like true country gentlemen, tried not to look....at least while their wives were watching.
We also get to know some of the Putas. Chola, PDF captain, shows off her tattoo that all the Putas get. What makes this tattoo stand out is that it's INSIDE HER FUCKING BOTTOM LIP! And just to make sure everyone knows just how tough these bitches are, they not only get it done once but TWICE! Because Putas like taking it more than once. hee hee
But seriously, the Putas are pretty fucking tough. As the team gets ready for a night on the town & searches frantically for a sitter for Cha Cha's little girl, we hear the story of Cha Cha & her boy toy. Apparently, Cha Cha picks up some smallish guy & literally throws him over her shoulder caveman style, almost bullying him to register for a date with the Putas. The guy, probably already freaked out enough, wins but is MIA from the actual date. (Go figure.) But fuck him...the Putas roll out in limo style for a team night out.
In between throwing back tequila shooters, the conversation takes a turn for the worst. Should rollergirls who leave the league be welcomed back in? I can only imagine that they are referring to Clownsnack's return (Episode 3). However, Chola feels like, basically, if you walk away from the sport, then you shouldn't be allowed to casually walk back in.
Well, this just DOES NOT sit well with Cha Cha, who explains that sometimes girls have a lot of things going on like family issues, problems, or injuries that force them to leave. Cha Cha goes on to talk about her own injury that forced her out of the game for a while & how it made her feel. Basically, according to Cha Cha, the girls are quickly replaced & forgotten in this sport.
After a much needed pee in an alley, (where are the Rhinestone Cowgirls with their TP when you need them), the girls go to a bar where they prove that here in Austin, if you are someone even mildly famous, you don't need to show any ID. (Can you say Bush Twins!) Chola is upset & personally offended that Cha Cha would think that her team abandoned her when she was injured. But Cha Cha doesn't mince words...if Chola's upset it's probably because she feels guilty about it. SNAP!
Meanwhile, Venis is already involved in her 1st rollergirl bout as ref between Chola & Cha Cha. Bring the peace, Venis! However, it's too little too late. Chola jams on out of there. Pissed, in more ways than one, Cha Cha takes off.....but not before she yells out some better Spanish than I could ever muster. And in a much better accent too. (Putas locas forever, ese.)
But forget the drama (for now), the big bout is coming up between the Putas & Rhinestones. Venis manages to get in some practice before her Mom shows up. And Momma has some nice digs too. As the two sip drinks at the downtown landmark Driskill Hotel, Venis works hard to get her mother onboard the rollergirl train. Showing off her inventive skill with sugar packets & salt-n-pepper shakers, Venis demonstrates how the game is played. Mom nods, but clearly seems puzzled by the whole thing. Are the salt & pepper shakers on the same team? Poor Momma. Mom was looking at her daughter as if she had lobsters crawling out of ears.
So now it's match time. Unfortunately, the show has covered so much other drama, we only have about 10 minutes (with commercials) to show actual Roller Derby. (Way to go, A&E.) Mom & Mr. Venis are sitting dutifully in the stands. And the A&E cameras make sure of that because they pan the audience every 5 seconds. I can hear the cameramen's conversation now...
Cameraman 1: "I mean seriously...who would want to watch actual Roller Derby?"
Cameraman 2: "I know. Come on, lets go get audience reaction instead."
But there are a few minutes of actual rollergirls doing their thing. Right out of the gate, Venis goes down on her very 1st jam. And that's when it started. Yes, folks, from that moment on our friend's skirt got pulled up in the fall & we were treated to her rollergirl bum hanging out the rest of the match. (At least she wasn't at The Broken Spoke...those people are still recovering.)
Then, with her skirt & bottom poised for action, the big moment arrives. It's Lux vs. Venis. Oh the drama of it all.
Venis actually proves her worth as star rookie by beating out one of the best jammers in the league for lead jammer. Momma & Palmer couldn't have been more proud as they jump excitedly in the stands.
Once the match is over, it's beer & tequila for all as the girls move to the after party bar. Lux & Venis bond, hug, & kiss each other's behinds as the reminisce over the match. Conveniently, Lux has forgotten who won when they faced off. Venis is quick to remind her. But no problem. Hugs all around. And Lux is voting Venis for Rookie of the Year.
All is right with the world again...until next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment